“See you’re doing it again. You have your walls up” He said with a half smile

“I know, I know. I told you I’m trying to work on being vulnerable. You’re right.” I replied admittedly.

“It’s okay.” He smiled.

“It’s beautiful.”

I bashfully chuckled and looked away.

That was Saturday night, and his words are still in my mind. I have “walls up”.

He’s right.

Despite my efforts to become more vulnerable, hence my post from last year, “Courage in Vulnerability“, as of recently, I’ve been letting bricks of mortar slowly build themselves around me. I think many things are contributing to this. My underemployment, my living situation and my lack of income this summer is making me feel depressed. In addition, I’m an introvert and three of my siblings are back home…. we live in a small 2 bedroom apartment. I think not having alone time is getting to me.

I read that when we are wounded or hurt we build emotional walls to protect ourselves. Isn’t that crazy, our emotions work like our physical body. When we get a cut on the skin our body builds tissue(walls) to protect the injury from worsening. Unfortunately, there is a big difference between the healing process of physical and emotional injury. Physical injury needs to be physically protected in order to heal. Emotional injury needs to be naked. It needs to be shared for complete healing. But this goes against our brain’s natural order of things.

I’m not saying that I need to pour out everything I’ve been going through to anyone. I do realize that I have grown. Two years ago I would not have been aware of my defenses and my walls. In fact, I may have adamantly denied it and considered him rude to even say that. But I am wise enough to realize that he is right. My walls that I have built is creating a “safe” distance between the world and me. At times like these, when my anxiety and stress increases, I tend to become way more introverted. However, staying holed up actually makes me more and more distant and thickens my walls.

And that’s what he saw. He saw that and all of the other things hidden behind my walls including my insecurity in my dating experience, my fear of love and my trepidation of the unknown.

But as he said.

“It’s beautiful”

It’s beautiful to be human.

It’s beautiful to be complex.

It’s beautiful to be emotional .

It’s beautiful to be guarded.

It’s beautiful to be aware.

and it’s beautiful to take risks to break those walls.

I’m going to try to do it. No matter how hard it is, I’m going to allow these walls to fall.

Because ultimately, I want to be free, vulnerable and courageous.

Esther