Last year, I began the process of learning to become myself. In fact, that journey inspired this very blog. I made some tough choices about my spirituality, values and beliefs. It was scary. For the first time in my life, I made decisions based on my feelings, my truth and not on the basis of other’s perception of me. I overcame my fear of people’s expectations of me as “good Esther”, especially, at church. Instead, I embraced me.
For the first time, I made steps towards not truly caring what people think. I am human and I am still periodically overwhelmed with self-consciousness but I don’t let it paralyze me.
Last year, I also became in tune with my feelings. I cried 7 times last year! That’s actually excessive for me. I can go years without crying. I know I’m not normal. The average woman cries 30-60 times a year and the average man cries 6-20. I recently became human and cry like an average man. I’m not ashamed of my new-found expression of emotion. I’m rather revitalized. Crying is so powerful and refreshing. I wish I cried more! It’s really a transformative release of frustration and anxiety. It also helps me become mindful and in tune with my feelings.
This was a turning point for me because 2014 was a year of oneness with my pain. I had to constantly tell myself that it is okay to acknowledge my feelings of hurt and inadequacy. In the past, I used to ignore it and move on but now I’m so damn sensitive. But I think it’s a good thing. I’m hoping to find a balance of being sensitive to feelings but not taking things personally. This will be a challenge.
Because of this and
Brené Brown, I learned to become more vulnerable with my feelings to my close friends and family even when it makes them uncomfortable. Some of them did the same to me and at times it hurt me but I’ve become grateful for their sharing how I hurt them and in that way we’ve become closer. It is still a work in progress. But I’ve improved.
I’ve been facing my fear of letting go and just being me.
Therefore, in 2015, I want to embrace me. I want to love me. I want to expose my dreams, desires and thoughts without shame. I want to share my hurt and feelings without regret. I want to dance, joke, and laugh outloud without fear of judgement. I want to stand on my beliefs without wavering.
I will not be ashamed for who I am. I will not be insecure about my looks. I will not be embarrassed about what I do or don’t do. I will not be fearful of my imperfections and it’s power.
I AM ENOUGH.
I want those words etched into my brain everywhere I go.
I want my enoughness to surround me as I dance solo in the middle of an empty dance floor.
I want my enoughness to engulf me as I am picked on for being the only person not drinking alcohol.
I want my enoughness to ignite me as I embark on a new business idea.
I want my enoughness to stabilize me as I speak up when no one else does.
I want my enoughness to surpass people’s expectations and judgement of me.
I want my enoughness to fill me with the power to be unapologetically Esther.
I AM ENOUGH.
This year, I hope that you all know and believe that you are enough.